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she made me kill myself, come on. - reality is a matter of choice
actuality+perception=reality
stevefarrell
stevefarrell
she made me kill myself, come on.
and now all I want to do is to hear her voice, I want to hear her tell me she loves me, and only me, again. I don't want to face things without her, I really, really, really don't. I need somebody, I can't face this life alone, I just can't, not anymore, I used to think I wanted to be alone, to spend my life like that, but I don't. I want someone. I want her. I need her.

Anyway.

Gig is in *counts* three hours. Wish me luck, or something. In spite of everything, I'm still very much in the mood to play music. I love it. It's the only love in my life that hasn't let me down yet, it's the only constant, the only thing I can rely on.

Plus, I rule at organ solos. I have been nicknamed Stevie Wonder. I swear I'm not making this up.

I feel: gloomy gloomy
I hear: Gorillaz - 5/4

26 things // do the thing
Comments
scourgeoe From: scourgeoe Date: March 31st, 2004 07:17 am (UTC) (Link)
good luck.

Go. Rock em. :)
phoenix1081 From: phoenix1081 Date: March 31st, 2004 07:33 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh sweetheart! I'm so sorry to hear that!

Please remember that i'm hear if you need to talk...

Huge tight {{{HUGS}}} & *Smoochies*

babe.

Love you loads, hun!

P.S Good luck with the gig!!! *mwah*
From: corrupteroffire Date: March 31st, 2004 07:50 am (UTC) (Link)
She e-mailed you back? *hugs* You know I'm here if you want to talk.
~Fire
firephly From: firephly Date: March 31st, 2004 09:29 am (UTC) (Link)
{{Huggles}} sweetie. I'm so sorry you are having a rough time right now.

But music is a good solace I find. May you play well until you are lost in the beauty the thrum of the music.

*smoootch*
kaymyth From: kaymyth Date: March 31st, 2004 10:21 am (UTC) (Link)
Music is awesome. I should know.

Good luck!

*morehugs*
sweet_sunshower From: sweet_sunshower Date: March 31st, 2004 01:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
When you are in a desolate place and all you want is this one individual in particular and you feel as though you will burst without them....there is no "anyway."

Anyway shows a lack of real longing. And then to bust out into joyful news just makes it seem even more insincere.

Good job. I'm sure you'll get her back. Bah.
From: (Anonymous) Date: March 31st, 2004 02:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
How someone in love can come across as such a hurt man in his LJ, yet spew nothing but hatred in private emails, sickens and baffles me. So mark my words, if you continually persist in upsetting her, God have mercy on you. Because I will not.
sweet_sunshower From: sweet_sunshower Date: March 31st, 2004 05:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
OoOoOo...I like your style...sorry...heh..I actually felt intimidated while reading that.

You have my awe. Congrats. ;)
From: (Anonymous) Date: March 31st, 2004 06:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you very much. Someone needed to deliver a digi-slap to this fool before he became so caught up in his over melodramatic world of "Ohh life is terrible" that it became Live Journals soap opera.


The young woman has been hurt enough over the years and has had to seek comfort in her friends and herself to fight it off. Well from now on *checks name coz you're not important enough to remember* you aint hurting but two things: Jack and Shit. And Jack just left. Do the math and get out of your baby carrier. Life hurts. You were part of her life, you're not anymore. I'm sorry for your pain but there's quite frankly two things you can do about it Steve:

1) Nothing.
2) Like it.

What you need to realise is this. There's a very very thin line between undying love and undying dependance. And seeing as I'm the only one who seems to have noticed (save for the person above me and the woman in question), let me be the first to pop that bubble. Yours was the latter. Move on with your life or stay locked in sadness. Either way, do what's the real man thing to do and stay out of her life because she has made it clear she doesn't want you involved in it anymore.
sweet_sunshower From: sweet_sunshower Date: March 31st, 2004 06:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
I would attempt to add to that...but it would be redundant.

I loves my Heather very much. And you were warned about what would happen if you hurt her, Steve.

I am warning you: I might be more than 3000 miles away, but you will be ultimately sorry if you don't leave her be.
stevefarrell From: stevefarrell Date: April 1st, 2004 04:48 am (UTC) (Link)
Waaaaaaaaaaaait a minute. I did nothing wrong here. At least not at first. She pulled away from me for no good reason, and that fucking pissed me off.

I'm petty like that.

Breaking up is one thing, fucking someone over only a day after declaring your undying is quite another.
stevefarrell From: stevefarrell Date: April 1st, 2004 04:51 am (UTC) (Link)
Wait just a second... are you actually saying I shouldn't be upset over a breakup?

Hmm. That's interesting. Thank you for that. I'll also try not being upset when someone close to me dies, or is taken seriously ill, or something as well. Because, hey, that's life, yes?

Gosh. It's all so very clear to me now. Thank you Mr (or Mrs) Anonymous.

Cheers for the digi-slap and the continued namecalling. That made me laugh, I needed that.
thedarkcrystal From: thedarkcrystal Date: March 31st, 2004 06:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
Do you want "someone" or do you want her? They are two very different things.

If you really love someone then your life cannot revolve around them. You have to accept them for what they are and continue living your own life independently from them. This is a difficult but vital part of any lasting relationship. Acceptance. If you cannot accept what she is then she is most definitely not the right person for you, and you should just try to salvage your friendship. If you truly need her then don't ask her to lie to you or give you more than she is capable of. If she did not truly care about you then she could have just pretended to be something she was not. You should be thankful for her honesty.

Of course you can face this life alone, don't be ridiculous. Do not think that you are the only one who has gone through something like this, and do not think that this is not just as difficult for her. You will survive. The question is the way in which you want to survive. Do you want to work through this rationally, or do you want to push away a wonderful person and a friend who cares about you very much? I think you are better than that, and I hope I am right.
stevefarrell From: stevefarrell Date: April 1st, 2004 06:40 am (UTC) (Link)
I hate that people can assume that I never really loved her. These people have either never been in love, or they've got twisted views on what love is.

It's up to her what she does with her life, but every single word she said to me convinced me that I'd always be a part of that. It's not the breaking up that hurts, no, it's that she said certain things.

I would like not to lose touch with her, because other than having been my girlfriend, she's a fucking cool person anyway, but LiveJournal Comment up there has pretty much told me I've no option, so, there we go.
metatait From: metatait Date: April 1st, 2004 12:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
Why does it matter about what other people assume for you and your feelings? If you know you loved her, then you did, and what they say can make little difference to change that fact. It's up to us all what we do with ourselves, and sometimes that can change in the space of a heartbeat. Just because she tought otherwise till that point doesn't mean that she may have realized that there was a different path for her all along. Maybe she is at fault for "leading you on," as you claim she did, or maybe you are for interpreting her words this way. People say and think some strange and melodramatic things when they are in love. If she never really intended to mean that she literally wanted you with her forever, perhaps she shouldn't have said it. But regardless of what came from her lips (or fingers), you could also have realized that this was perhaps meaningless and conflated. Or maybe her actions didn't really point to this as much as you think they did. Or maybe she really honestly meant it, but then changed her mind. People do you know. If you are going to be upset, be upset, but don't be because of a difference in semantic interpretations.

What matters is not what is said, but what is done.
stevefarrell From: stevefarrell Date: April 2nd, 2004 04:30 am (UTC) (Link)
I didn't say she lead me on, I don't believe that she did, I believe that every word she ever said to me was the truth, but taking all that away from someone kind of... sucks. You are right, you should never say things to someone that you don't know if you can live up to.

But what's done is done. It's just a part of life.
thedarkcrystal From: thedarkcrystal Date: April 1st, 2004 12:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
I never assumed that you did not love her. I think you did, and likely do, but you are very confused and upset right now. Understandably. Very understandably. But I think you may be letting this take over right now and color your ability to rationally deal with this, so as a friend I am letting you know. I'm sorry if it came across in a different way, that was not my intention.

These people have either never been in love, or they've got twisted views on what love is.
I am going to choose to ignore this sentence, because I have no wish to argue with you.

I know, I understand this, but it's not like she decided that this was going to happen and is doing this on purpose, and this is hard on both of you. So if you can try to see her point of view as well as your own then I think it would be better for both of you. Things change sometimes, she is permitted to change. You have to understand that.

Well I don't think she personally left that comment, and this is between you and her. Not anybody else. So don't let that make up your mind.

And of course you do not have to listen to me, nor do I expect you to, but I am here if you do need to talk about this and I honestly am not trying to attack you here.
stevefarrell From: stevefarrell Date: April 2nd, 2004 04:41 am (UTC) (Link)
No, no, no, I wasn't actually meaning you with that sentence, even though because it was addressed to you it looked like I might have done. I'm just angry at LiveJournal Comment for saying that I never loved her, just how she made me feel about myself, which wasn't the case at all. Although I do admit, I did love the way she made me feel about myself, but I love the way several people make me feel about myself, I don't fall in love with all of them, though.

I would like to keep in touch with Heather, I really would, but I think we need to spend a while completely apart, before we can be friends, because at the moment, I'm too angry with her, and I think she is with me. But, I still have CDs I want to send her and musicians I want to introduce her to, there are still conversations I want to have with her. They just can't happen yet, I'm not ready to forgive her yet, and yes, I would need to.

It would be a shame to lose you as a friend though.
thedarkcrystal From: thedarkcrystal Date: April 2nd, 2004 11:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
Okay, good.
LiveJournal Comment is obviously trying to upset you, so I can understand why their comments might have... upset you.

Good. But just from personal experience, it is vitally important to keep communication open. Even if you don't want to talk for a while you may at least want to make sure that you calmly let her know why and what is going on. (Not that you're not or anything, I don't know, but this is why I ended up losing friendships with people in the past and I just thought I'd mention it.) This does sound like a good idea, sometimes it's important just to avoid someone for a while if that is the only way you can avoid being so angry. I have to do this a lot too.

Don't worry about that, I have no intention of being lost to you.
stevefarrell From: stevefarrell Date: April 3rd, 2004 04:52 am (UTC) (Link)
I wouldn't say 'upset' so much as 'pissed off and wanted to track down and kill with a pair of rusty scissors', but still.

I do want to be friends with her. But it's too soon yet, like I said. She is a wonderful person and there's so much more to her than even what I fell in love with. Maybe a part of me doesn't want to be reminded of what I had and lost so stupidly. Yes; I would love it if she sent me an email that said 'I'm sorry, please take me back', but we both know that's never going to happen. So it could be that as well as anger. I don't know.

I am glad to hear that. Because if you did, I might have had to leave imaginal_words, and that would never do.
thedarkcrystal From: thedarkcrystal Date: April 3rd, 2004 11:53 am (UTC) (Link)
Well, I was hoping that it wasn't just because of imaginal_words and that it might have more to do with my delightful personality, but I understand... ;)

Anyway that community is devoted to the greater goal of expanding the English language, and its membership should not be affected by petty arguments.
stevefarrell From: stevefarrell Date: April 5th, 2004 05:14 am (UTC) (Link)
Well, no, I was just being all coy and stuff. The truth of the matter is, you rock.

I have more new words. Must post soon. Maybe today.

Maybe not. Am feeling lazy.
thedarkcrystal From: thedarkcrystal Date: April 5th, 2004 12:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
I know, I was too.

Hooray new words!
From: (Anonymous) Date: April 1st, 2004 06:11 am (UTC) (Link)
"Wait just a second... are you actually saying I shouldn't be upset over a breakup?"

Ok. My work is done. But for the sake of it, go back, read my post and then get back to me. I said that I understand your pain over it, but the bottom line is, it happened. So deal with it. If you choose to be locked in a spiral of depression, fine. But don't try to guilt her for following her heart. That's wrong and that's bullshit.

Get a fuckin grip. You didn't ever LOVE her. That is clear now. You loved how she made you feel about yourself. Again, Love/Dependance are two different things. So leave her alone.
stevefarrell From: stevefarrell Date: April 1st, 2004 06:29 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh, I did love her. I did.

Leave her alone? That goes without saying. How about you doing the same with me? 'Cause, honestly, you kind of bother me. Thanks.
From: (Anonymous) Date: April 1st, 2004 06:39 am (UTC) (Link)
An accord then. I wouldn't have ever come here if you hadn't been acting as you have. So the sooner you sever ties with someone who has severed ties with you, the sooner I'll leave. I have no major problem with you, just what you're doing. So as soon as that stops, I shall.
26 things // do the thing