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reality is a matter of choice
Emails with the subject line 'lol' are guaranteed never to be funny.

Also, emails with the subject line 'this is really funny'.

Anyway, I was trying to figure out why I hadn't had any LJ comments today, and it suddenly hit me that I didn't make an LJ entry yesterday. And I'm trying to think why, and the only reason I can think of is that I didn't have anything to say. But then I feel sure that I did, and that I must have been distracted. But what I was distracted with, I'm not sure.

But anyway.

Christopher Eccleston is Doctor Who. Discuss.

I swear I'm not making this up. He really has signed a contract to be the new Doctor Who. For half a million, it says here.


I am making new icons with shiny Photoshop. I am proud of these new icons. But I cannot post new icons, because they are on my computer at home, something this is not.

I feel: loved loved
I hear: Jack Johnson - The Horizon Has Been Defeated

3 things // do the thing
Why did I post that fucking list yesterday? I knew it would cause more fucking trouble than it was worth.


*bangs head against wall*.

*writes out four hundred times, 'I must not be a knob'*

I love Heather. Only Heather. Nobody else. I don't care if you're reading this and thinking 'we know, there's no reason for you to say it', I'm not saying it for your benefit, I'm saying it for mine, and for hers.

And I miss her. And she's the only thing that's on my mind right now, at least, she's the only thing that's at the front of my mind right now. And that's the way it is most of the time. I live her. I breathe her. When I eat, I wonder if she would like what I'm eating. I go out with my friends to the pub and I wonder if she would like them. I dream about her. I think about how it would feel to kiss her, and to hold her in my arms. I hear her voice in my mind. I lie in my bed last thing at night, drifting off to sleep, and I whisper that I love her, even though I know she can't hear me, I hope she can somehow sense that I'm saying it. I shock myself by this fact, that I can love someone this much after such a relatively short space of time together, especially as we've yet to meet face to face. But I do.

Sometimes I am so overcome with the way I feel about her, that I almost burst into tears. I don't think I ever experienced tears of joy before I knew her.

And the most beautiful thing of all? That she feels exactly the same about me. That's the amazing thing.

She's the most beautiful woman in the world, or at least to me she is. There's not a woman on this earth who could come near her. Not one. Unlike a lot of people in a relationship, especially a relationship of this nature, when I say I love her, I mean it. You all know that. She knows that. But I've never before publicly explained exactly how she makes me feel, restricting my comments to 'Heather is lovely' or 'Heather is sexy' or just 'I love Heather'. and there's so much more to it than what I've written here.

So there it is.

In other news, apparantley the band I am in, the funk/R&B/soul kind of thing, which is tentatively named 'Summertime Revival', a name I hate but have yet to voice this opinion, has a gig on Saturday night.

This should be fun. Kind of looking forward to it, actually, but we're not really completely ready yet. But, meh. It's a laugh, innit?

I'm done.

I feel: loved in love
I hear: Depeche Mode - Only When I Lose Myself

1 thing // do the thing
Half my nail has just ripped off.

It fucking hurts. Much pain. And some blood. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.


I feel: sore sore

18 things // do the thing
Top 10 Movie/TV Characters I'd Shag

(Well, why be coy about it?)

Bear in mind that this is just for fun and I actually harbour no desire for anyone who's not Heather, even if they are famous.

1. Faith (Eliza Dushku) from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel
Do I really need to explain this one?

2. Jane Burnham (Thora Birch) from American Beauty
Rather a last minute addition this one, sparked by recent viewage of said film. This was the first time I saw it, and, much like Wes Bentley's character (who was actually superior to Kevin Spacey but that's besides the point), I was much more entranced by her than the too-perfect Mena Suvari.

3. Willow Rosenberg (S3 and 4)(Alyson Hannigan) from Buffy The Vampire Slayer
The hair. The eyes. The cute fluffy jumpers. In Season 3, she oozed sex without even aiming to be sexy.

4. Vampire Willow from Buffy The Vampire Slayer
This is technically cheating, having the same character twice, but vamp Willow is distinct from human Willow, so it counts as separate, as far as I'm concerned. Leather. Cleavage. Yes.

5. Whatever the name of Scarlett Johanssen's character in Lost In Translation is
Look, this was the first and the last time in my life that I ever wanted to be Bill Murray.

6. Tara McLay (Amber Benson) from Buffy
Yes, she's a lesbian and I'm a man, but I had to get Amber in there somewhere, didn't I?

7. Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) from Smallville
Smart girls are sexy.

8. Claire Fisher (Lauren Ambrose) from Six Feet Under
Probably the last person on most men's minds when asked to name a female television character they think is sexy, but from the start of the series, there's just been something about the youngest member of the Fisher clan that's appealed to me. Or maybe I just have a thing for emotionally intense redheads.

9. Drusilla (Juliet Landau) from Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel
I don't know why. I just would. I actually think it's the gothic dresses that clinch it.

10 Katrina Anne Van Tassel (Christina Ricci) from Sleepy Hollow

Can you tell I ran out of reasons towards the end there? Also, I'm short on time so I kind of rushed it.

I feel: satisfied satisfied

5 things // do the thing
the personal stereo is still playing. i've lost the will to live.

I feel: drained drained

do the thing

I feel better now.

I feel: annoyed annoyed

2 things // do the thing
Heather called me last night.

This is never ever a bad thing. I love her voice. I love the way she says my name, and I love the fact that no matter what I say, she never gets bored, and there's never an awkward silence.

The girl has a voice that would melt any man, seriously.

So that said, I am in something of a Heather-induced high today. She's lovely. I love her.

So,a meme, gacked from... people.Collapse )

I re-did the nickname meme as well, just below this entry if you're reading this on my own page, and about a page back if you're reading this on your friends' page.

I haven't had email from _cinnamongirl_ for a loooooong time. Well, a week, but it's especially disappointing just now after I went all out to tell the world how great she was after sending me those CDs and DVDs for my birthday. I really don't want to lose touch with her. She means too much to me for that. But it increasingly looks like that's what's happening, and that's a damned shame.

Had another birthday present in the post today, this time from the lovely divadynamite, who you should all get to know and admire as I do.

The only shame is that both Sherrie and Laura (divadynamite) seem to have panic-sent a week early. It would have been nice to have got all the stuff next Monday. But hey, it matters little.

And finally, The O.C is great. Seth rocks, seriously. He's the best bits of Xander and Oz, and the likeable parts of Arnold J. Rimmer rolled into one.

Heather is sexy.

I feel: thankful thankful
I hear: Portishead - Numb

5 things // do the thing
Gacked from lots of people, and the only thing I've got time to do today.

And if you're looking at this on Monday, I've added some stuff to it.

If you call me Mr. Holtz you are a Bronzer.
If you call me stevefarrell as a single word, you are an LJ'er.
If you call me Steve, you could be pretty much anyone who knows me.
If you call me Fazz you are an IRC'er or someone I used to go to school with.
If you call me Ste you are someone who usually calls me Steve but is feeling too lazy to add the rest.
If you call me Shane McGowan you are a cock.
If you call me Steven you are being terribly formal, or you're Heather, the only person I allow to use my full first name without it irritating me.
If you call me Holtzie you are a female ex-UPN Bronzer who's feeling nostalgic, or crazyandfree, the only person who still uses it.
If you call me a hottie you are deluded.
If you call me my love or a variation thereof, you are Heather, and if you are calling me that and are not Heather, stop stalking me, you freak.
If you call me sweetie or hun, you are a female Bronzer or LJ'er who knows me well.
If you call me MBB you are phoenix1081.
If you call me Whistling Tim Nabob Nabob Scrimshaw Boing Phee! Waggling Trousers O'Rourke you are obviously mad and should check in to the nearest psychiatric hospital for treatment.

There. Done. Gone.

I feel: loved loved
I hear: Beck - Derelict

10 things // do the thing
Why haven't I celebrated the fact that Westlife are splitting up yet?

Truly the greatest news since Take That splitting in 1996, and I haven't mentioned it yet.

Well they haven't split, split, but as good as.

This is a good thing.

In other news, I love Heather.

I feel: chipper chipper

3 things // do the thing
_cinnamongirl_ rocks.

Recieved two packages from her in as many days. Well, okay, one was from Amazon, but it was something she'd ordered for me for my birthday, which is a week on Monday, in case people had forgotten, or anything.

Anyway, amongst other things, I now have Photoshop, and I've started to play with it. Obviously, this being a public computer, I can't really show the results here, but, so far, I think, so good. I'm only doing the basics just now, adding text, and the odd filter, but I'll get it. I'll probably never reach the quality of catmint or wastedfairy but at least I can now make icons where the text doesn't look stupid and blurry.

Have not dared to try making animated .gifs with ImageReady yet. I really would need a tutorial to get that. Anyone care to offer? I do have a few ideas for animations, but I really couldn't get how to do it from the help file. Colour me thick.

This is such a great song, I'm sure most of you who live in America know this, but if you don't, or you live in the UK or elsewhere, download it or something. It's such a great, beachy, summery song, and the bassline is fucking quality. Trust me. I'm a music student. Would I lie about music being great? Of course not.

I feel: happy happy
I hear: Ben Harper - Steal My Kisses

7 things // do the thing
Thanks to littlexander for the screencap.

When have Photoshop, will make look better.

I feel: loved loved

do the thing
There are people in this world who exist solely to piss me off.

People who particularly piss me off are people who say I look like Shane McGowan, the ugly one out of The Pogues. Now, I'm never going to win an award for 'greatest looking guy in the world', but even if I am ugly, which by the way I am not, I do not even remotely resemble the man. My eyes are different, my nose is different, my hair is different, my mouth is different, my ears are different, every single feature of my face is different, and even though my teeth have been through rigorous dental work and much pulling, they are in better shape than his. I mean, seriously, where do they get this from? Because I really don't get it. Maybe it's because I haven't shaved for a while and look scruffy; but still. Do not look like Shane McGowan. Anyone disagree?

Other than that, last night was fairly... dull, actually. Went to an open mic night dooble. Didn't get up or anything though. I was itching to, but I just had nothing prepared. And I drank... nothing. I'm me. I cannot afford to drink.

In summation, then, I would much rather have stayed at home and watched Black Books and Six Feet Under. And this is the other thing. You see, Thursday nights are the traditional nights for going out around here, mostly because of the open mic at Brennan's and the two-for-one at the Twa Tams, which is the silliest name ever for a pub, and the occasional gig at the Bar Code, which means I take back what I said about the Twa Tams. I don't know why. But anyway, it means that it's not entirely impossible that I'll miss these shows, which shouldn't matter to me really, but it does, because I enjoy them. Probably best if I just stay in on the weeks I think I'd rather watch TV than go out. Which is what I wanted to do last night, but I kind of got talked into going by someone who then wasn't there at all.


Gone. Back later, because the lovely Heather is going to be around, I hope.

But first, yet another band practise. Meh... it's fun. But I really feel like just going into town and buying things that I haven't been able to afford for weeks but now can. Like Onken Peach mousses.


I feel: cynical cynical
I hear: Primal Scream - Loaded

2 things // do the thing
Why is the opposite of 'disappointed' not 'appointed'?
2 things // do the thing
Oh no, what's this? A spider web and I'm caught in the middle. More on that story later.

Today better. Have money. More than I expected, too. Yay!

So, what did I do today?

Mostly, band practice again, for the band that's doing the gig at the end of the month. I really wasn't in the mood for doing it today. Don't ask me why, I just couldn't be arsed, but I still got on with it. But there is discontent within the band, something I really can't be fucked dealing with. Basically, they're getting rid of one of the backing singers, because she's too good. Yep... boils down to jealousy, nothing more and nothing less than that. And yes. She is better than the other two singers in the band, including the lead singer. The fact of the matter is, she blows them both clean out of the water. But; she's a lead singer, she's not a backing vocalist, so I sort of understand the why. What I didn't like was the bitching behind her back. I actually walked out, I didn't say that was why, I just made out like I was going to the toilet, but, fuck that shit. This is university, not fucking high school. And I suppose I am a little biased towards her because I know her better than I know most of the other people in the band, but... meh. I do not like people sniping behind someone else's back. Not everyone's going to get on with everyone, but that sort of leaning across the table and saying 'Ooh, you know that Steve? He's such a twat, you should hear the way he talks sometimes' for me went out around the same time I cancelled my weekly delivery of The Beano, and threw away my lego.

Rant over, pretty much. The other problem is that a couple of the people in the band seem to be viewing it as a serious, long term thing, while I'm not, I'm just doing it for fun, and to get some money, and stuff. I have my own plans for a long term serious band thing, which is almost entirely different to what this band is about. So far, I do have a singer, so it's a start. I probably need to put some posters around the college for the rest of the band.

So now... I am going to go and buy food. The fact that I can do this makes me happy.

Good bite!

I feel: disappointed disappointed
I hear: Coldplay - Shiver

do the thing
I love you all.

Seriously. Though for the most part not in a romantic or sexual way.

I feel: surprised surprised

1 thing // do the thing
Am screwed. Have no money or food now. Was supposed to receive money by post today. Did not arrive, so can not buy more food. I also can't pay my rent but I don't give a fuck about that, I want to eat.

Am annoyed. Have to walk everywhere with no calories to burn which just fucks me up completely.

Any donations gratefully received. You think I'm joking. Well okay, I am, but... you know.


I feel: hungry hungry

19 things // do the thing
Quiz thing under the cutCollapse )

I feel: apathetic apathetic

5 things // do the thing
Still ill. Not as much, but still ill. It seems I am something of a martyr to trivial-but-irritating illness. Which is not good. But I'm not dying or anything.

Anyway, I went into college today. I'm still there, actually, waiting around to do some wibbly big-band stuff this evening, for no particular reason that I can remember. Recorded some stuff with one of the bands this morning. That was pretty decent. We didn't get everything down, but there's only vocals and percussion to do and that's it.

So yeah, last night I got called in by my landlady, who went on and on about me not having paid rent yet. I mean, seriously, what the fuck does she expect me to do? I've got 55p to my fucking name until tomorrow. I CAN NOT CONJURE UP £40 FROM THAT. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. I mean, fuck's sake, what's five fucking days? It's *nothing*, that's what it is. Anyway, I'm going to get kicked out of there if I ever don't pay my rent on time again. Gosh. That would be a pity. No more tiny cramped room that I have to keep immaculately clean otherwise the cleaner complains about it not being easy enough to clean. Oh my, I will really really miss that.

You know what else? I wouldn't mind being told off about my rent. You know? You move in somewhere, you pay rent, that's how it goes, you miss a payment, it's likely to annoy, but most people are a lot more understanding about BEING £50 OVERDRAWN AND HAVING UNDER A POUND TO LIVE ON FOR A WEEK. But what takes the piss completely is the fact that she told me to get a job, in a manner not dissimilar to my parents. Yeah, I probably should get a job, but it's not up to her to tell me what to do. She has absolutely no right in telling me what to do, and how to conduct my life. None.

I cannot wait to leave this house. I just cannot wait. I must make efforts to find somewhere else, serious efforts. I want to be out of there before the end of the final semester.

Yep, so that's how I feel about that.

I feel: aggravated aggravated
I hear: Gomez - Get Miles

6 things // do the thing
What fun.

I am ill. Yes. This is not a good thing. I could barely get out of bed yesterday, and I've only dragged myself out today so I could go online and email Heather, even though I'm sure she's going to tell me now that I should have stayed in today if I was ill, which would mean that I couldn't have emailed her to let her know that's why I hadn't been about, and then she'd have worried and thought I'd abandoned her, or something, which would never happen.

Also, the idea of staying in that teensy room for a moment longer... ack. Seriously, I was climbing the walls in there just to get a change of scenery. I hate being cooped up, this is something people should know about me.

So anyway, I am ill.


Watched The OC last night. It was rather good. But, far better than yet another American comedy based around complex relationships, with a comedy relief character who everyone in the show dislikes and/or finds an inconvenience but everyone who watches the show loves, is the prospect of new Black Books on Channel 4 on Thursday. Yes. Most looked forward to. And most frustrating, as people continue to whinge about there being 'no good new British sitcoms'. Of course, that's probably fuelled by the fact that most people don't seem to realise that there are more channels on the TV than just BBC1 and ITV. Meh.

Black Books is excellent. I command you to watch, not that I'm particularly threatening or intimidating, but still.

I think I'll do some more of those testimonials. It's been a while.


Sometimes, I think it's not entirely unlikely that Sir Chris and I share a brain. You see, the funny thing is that sometimes, he posts something and I automatically find myself clicking the 'reply to post' button, and wanting to say 'I agree'. This is not unusual.

Sarcastic, cynical and entirely cool, Sir Chris is more like me than I am. And he's officially the LJ'er who lives closest to me, except not anymore because I moved to Scotland, but, you know, before. Yet I haven't met him.


One thing that people should know about me is that I am not a big fan of people who hide how they're really feeling and thinking about things. No. With a couple of exceptions, I find myself far more drawn to emotionally intense people, and this is why I added her to my friends' list.

And I should post more comments on her entries.


Even though there are long periods where nothing happens, Jennie and I have officially been involved in the longest single email thread in history. Well, as far as I know, anyway. You see, most email correspondence between people will dwindle off, and then one will write to the other and say 'I haven't heard from you for a while, I'm not replying to your last email, I'm writing an entirely new one'.

This hasn't happened in this case. No, in this case, the same email thread (albeit with changing subject lines) has been going since Autumn of 2002. Which is good. It's enabled me to get to know her, and that's something I'm grateful for. She's a great person, and musically-inclined, which is always a bonus for me. I have met her twice now. Neither time sucked.

Funnily enough, she owes me email just now.


The UPN Bronze RIP died, as any fule kno, and The Barge was formed as a replacement. It was here that, although I'd seen her name in many an SO list, I met spikegood.

Somewhere along the way, we started to click, and became friends. And I like her.

That'll do today.

Will do more soon. *sigh*. I'm becoming less and less able to think what to write for people I don't know that well, though. But I don't want to stop. There are two of my favourite people ever still to write about, and both of them are right at the end. Meh.

Am currently addicted to Radiohead, as is evidenced in my current music of late.

I feel: sick sick
I hear: Radiohead - Exit Music (For A Film)

7 things // do the thing
Angel spoilersCollapse )

I really can't think of anything else to write, actually. Am going to try commenting on other peoples' posts now. Have been lax. Time has been a factor, though.

Oh, and I didn't get thrown out of the house last night, I explained to them clearly why I couldn't pay my rent until next week and they were... fine about it. I was quite shocked.

Do still want to move out though, but I don't want to be kicked out, if that makes sense.

I feel: content content
I hear: Radiohead - Sulk

6 things // do the thing
Am in better mood today. Unfortunately I have only seven minutes to get this fact across now, so I need to be quick.

Anyway, offending person from yesterday was confronted by me today, and they claimed that it was just a joke, but I made it very clear that even if it was a joke, I don't appreciate jokes like that said about me.

Yesterday I was less than good with the personal hygiene, though, I have to admit, but as I've said to a couple of people already, you try getting a shower when you've got up at 8:45, you're in at 9, and it takes half an hour to get there. Yesterday, my breakfast was a packet of crisps from the vending machine.

Today was better. Got some band practise done. This is never bad.

I can't pay my rent tonight. I am dreading going back up there, because they'll confront me. I can pay it next week, but until then... not so much. *sigh*.


I feel: okay okay
I hear: Radiohead - Bullet Proof... I Wish I Was

1 thing // do the thing
so yeah, it's really fucking nice when someone tells you that you stink.

fuck off.

season 04
Season Four - Many people don't like you because
you're dating the wrong guy, but I'll admit to
finding you my favorite. You're still a
college kid, but you're smarter than ever, and
your episodes are turning out better and
better, showing an edge that we didn't know you
had. Your best episode is
"Restless," a perfect cap to the
Scooby dynamic.

Which Season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I feel: worried paranoid

6 things // do the thing
theory slut
You are a Theory Slut. The true elite of the
postmodernists, you collect avant-garde
Indonesian hiphop compilations and eat journal
articles for breakfast. You positively live
for theory. It really doesn't matter what
kind, as long as the words are big and the
paragraph breaks few and far between.

What kind of postmodernist are you!?
brought to you by Quizilla

I have become addicted to peach flavoured Onken Mousses.

They do say that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.
1 thing // do the thing
I forgot to do this yesterday.

phoenix1081 rocks, and is entirely lovely for making this for me. And, you know, in general.

I feel: awake awake

1 thing // do the thing
I don't like being worried about someone, just by virtue of not having heard from them in ages. But I am. I don't know why I am, I just am. There's something not sitting quite right about the fact I haven't heard from this person in a long time, because that's never happened before, even when we had an uber-argument about a month ago. So, worried.

In other news, I had more band practices yesterday. I like doing them. You all know this. I am rapidly discovering that there are more synths available in college than the plastic ones with no plugs that plague the rehearsal rooms. Yesterday, for example, I played a Yamaha DX-7. *drools*. I must take advantage of this fact in the future. Yes.

I'm starting to get my act together about starting this band that I mentioned I was thinking of a week or two ago. Well, I spoke to a singer. Yes, I *know* I can sing, but we all know my problems with singing in public, and besides, for this particular project I want an ethereal, female coloratura, something it may surprise you to know that I am incapable of. Moira, however, is capable of that, so it was her I asked. She seemed to be into the idea, though I didn't get to talk to her properly about it. So, all I need now is another keyboard player, a drummer, and a samplist/programmer. Okay, so that set up isn't particularly 'different' (cf. Goldfrapp, Moloko, Portishead, for starters), but it's sufficiently different compared to the other bands that are setting up around college. And it would be about the live show as well. I'm envisaging lots of lighting effects and backdrops and things, a sort of Pink Floyd/Velvet Underground type thing for the 21st century. Sure, there are big, stadium bands that are doing that kind of thing, but this would be... different.

In other other news, wastedfairy, _cinnamongirl_, and others who appreciate wobbly egg-shaped characters talking about pie, should join the Weebl and Bob community (weeblandbob). Or not. It's up to you, really. I've only just found it myself. It isn't as amusing as the cartoons themselves, of course.

Anyway, gone now.

I feel: okay okay

do the thing